It might ring a bell with you when I say I have a 'fear'.
Well truth be known, I have lots of fears.... hairy spiders, dark woods on a night ride, stormy seas...... my cereal getting too soggy.
Five years ago however, I was introduced to a whole new kind of fear, a fear that meant I was petrified of someone. I have been trying to tackle this, as no one deserves to live like that. So when my Dad said he had planned a Great Day Out in the Scottish Mountains, I knew it would help. It always does.
My Dad and his friend Stu, both 70 years old, told me the planned route was really easy. I have learnt during my lifetime not to believe them when they say things like this, but after some persuasion, I agreed.
This is what we approached.......Tower Ridge.
Tower Ridge leads up to the summit of Ben Nevis. "Just a scramble" they said, "won't take long" they said. I have walked in the hills and mountains all my life and am steadily, but slowly working my way through the munro's. I have done a bit of climbing inside on a climbing wall and have been on a couple of climbs outside, but nothing like this. This was a new level for me.
We set off from the Scottish Mountaineering Hut and within 10 minutes I was roped up and climbing up a 'v diff' climb (they told me this was the easiest grade of climbs, but I have since found out it's not!). I could feel fear climbing all over me as I tried not to tremble whilst perching on a very exposed ledge waiting for Dad to climb up. I wondered what I had got myself into....
I had been increasingly excited and nervous in the days leading up to the climb and sitting on that ledge in the valley was such an awesome, inspiring and majestic setting. I realised I did not want to have a negative experience due to my fear and the desire just to get the climb over with! I wanted to enjoy it, embrace it and experience it and grow from it. Sitting there, I realised that this was a very clear analogy of my life.
I calculated my options .....
- the first was to give into the fear and have a terrible time; the other,
- to take control
I decided to take control. I was sick of it having control of me. I therefore imagined the huge black rocky ridge as this person whom I fear. I figured if I was going to conquer this ridge, I was going to conquer the fear in my life while I am at it....
kill two birds with one stone.
If I was going to get that freaked out it had to end with a positive!
Every step I took I imagined that I was climbing over my fear.
Every time fear tried to fill up my insides
I took a deep breath, centered myself
and kept focusing on climbing the next pitch.
During the climb we made an accidental detour which involved.....
- a few pitches of 'v diff' (which means climbing up the length of the rope.... a long way when you are going straight up)
- and pitches of 'severe' to get back on track, with a sheer 300 foot drop below. That means it's only the next hardest grade climbing, but it was really hard in my eyes!
Nevertheless, the detour helped in so many ways. I had to have complete focus to be able to climb that steep and in that exposure, something that I had never done before. Every time Stu got to the top of the rope I'd shout....
"have you found the path?",
"NO" the reply kept echoing down the rock.....
God I thought, I'll have to do this pitch and at least another one!
Eventually we found it, yet, the detour added over 2 hours onto the trip. A downside of this was that I had to go to the toilet and could no longer climb without doing so! My dad looked one way and Stu the other while I used a small opportune ledge, but this was whilst the hundred or so people on top of the Ben looked on!
The ultimate moment of the climb was crossing 'The Gap'. This is a U shaped section of the ridge, which you have to down climb, stand on a tiny rock with drops either side, then climb back out. I down climbed OK, but then had to wait for Dad to climb up the other side to secure the rope.
I was left for 4ish minutes (which doesn't sound long but imagine where I was....) clinging onto the rock with just my fingertips and a foot sized rock to stand on with sheer drops of hundreds of feet either side and the wind rushing past me through The Gap.
I decided I could either .....
- start to panic (which could have involved the Mountain Rescue),
- or take control of it. I decided to take control, Stu would have never forgiven me if we had to get the Mountain Rescue!
I took a really deep breath (actually several)
acknowledged the fear,
absorbed the energy it created
and turned it around to give me strength.
However I managed, it worked and I made it to the top of the ridge
and to the top of the mountain.
I didn't just conquer my fear of the ridge, I conquered 'THAT' fear.
Well actually the fear still pops back, but when it does I put myself back on that tiny ledge with the wind rushing past my face, take control of it and let it go to be blown away in the wind.
If I keep letting go, it will finally disappear (this is what I am telling myself!).
It was an amazing day, and a day that I hope will stay with me forever.
This is the same method I have just used in mountain biking to clear some crazy drops with Roots Mountain Biking...but more of that in the next post!
